Thursday, July 23, 2009

New York Sweet New York

After almost 5 years in New York, I feel like I am starting to know the city in a deeper way, and so here are some very non deep observations of what I find peculiar in this little island of ours. I believe that the first point is of crucial importance in order to survive sanely, and therefore everybody has to be aware:

- Creepy noises in your apartment can mean two, and only two things: GHOST OR COCKROACH. Having experienced both, I have the obligation to tell you that you do NOT, I repeat, do NOT, want it to be the latter. Don't ask why, just pray that it's a ghost and suck it up.

- A New Yorker is generally a quite scary being. A New Yorker with an umbrella is a potential mass destruction weapon (who tries to run down the subway stairs on a rainy day know exactly why).

- The City DOES sleep. Try to go to a restaurant after 10:30 pm and you'll see them snoring. Lesson learned: always keep a tuna can in your kitchen cabinet.

- If you have the feeling that you're being followed, you're probably being followed. And if then they ask you for your money, just do what I did: don't give it to them and get angry if they don't leave (note: this is to be applied - strictly - only if you are extremely hangover, and actually don't realize what is really going on).

- The Upper East Side is EVIL. End of the story. Nothing more to be added.

- New Yorkers secretly feel a guilty pleasure whenever a movie or tv show is being filmed on their street. But beware: none of that pleasure will ever show through their faces. Nope. Against the rule. Moments after the yellow "no parking" flier is posted on the tree across the street, they will casually take a quick, furtive look at it and then giggle for the rest of their walk, already putting the words of their complain together: "Yeah, you know..(insert fake yawn)..Entourage is shooting AGAIN on our street. SO annoying. I mean..as if we have nothing better to do that standing endlessly on the street waiting to be allowed back home so that Adrien Grenier can get the right shot. Why don't they just go to NJ?!" - yeah right

- While our European counterparts are looking forward to the Friday night going OUT, here we are looking forward (ok, just me) to the Friday night ordering IN - god bless seamlessweb - along with complimentary couchpotatoesness and re-runs of sex & the city (alright, me again)

- In New York, but in the US in general, everything damn works: Bath&Body Works, Yoga Works, Water Works, etc..Trying to apply the same concept to my motherland - italy -, for some reason the only thing I can come up with is Cheating Works. And I already picture our dear Prime Minister at the opening ceremony, while he cuts the red ribbon all smiley.

- If you really want to see the weirdest people in town, don't choose Coney Island on a summer Sunday afternoon, nor the L train at 1 am (although this gets the silver medal). Instead, THE place to go is Trader Joe's, any day, any night, any time. The bizarre-ness concentration is so high that you might end up staring at everybody for way more than the public-decency-based allowed time. Few among last night's encounters: a young man, talking to his girlfriend in a very foreign language. Nothing weird, except that she was replying to him in an even more foreign one (and he was puzzled).
An excessively pregnant woman, wearing a dress made out of my grandma's stolen curtains (now we finally know who took them!).
An old dude, wearing his bike helmet for the whole duration of the cashier line (about 40 minutes).
An even older dude, wearing the same bike helmet, AND with his bike folded INSIDE the shopping cart.
Needless to say, the staff is obviously selected and hired (maybe even trained!?) to perfectly match the clientele. Never seen happier employees, with bigger smiles and more cheerful cheers like at Trader Joe's. Except for the people of the village in The Truman Show.

To be continued...