One of the first times I took the subway, I ended up in the middle of queens instead of uptown manhattan. Since then, I started paying attention to details. Here's a few rules (my rules, but really, who doesn't like rules?) to a proper underground behavior. If you break them, you might end up finding a snapshot of your rude-self here: www.subwaydouchery.com
1) if you see that the car is full and the doors are closing, do NOT throw yourself in the middle like a mad man trying to reopen them and get jammed in: besides the risk of losing your limbs, the people inside will hate you and send you seriously bad juju. wouldn't you rather wait 2 extra minutes for the next train than wonder why all of a sudden you have dysentery (known to be the most wished trouble for bad-behaving jerks)
2) for you to get in, other people have to get out FIRST - enough with trying to beat the crowd and jump in before everybody else. are you that anxious to get to work?
3) for couples: loud fighting and beating the sh*t out of each other, does NOT look good. It just doesn't.
4) do not, under ANY circumstance, feel allowed to clip your nails in public: it is GROSS! and if you still think it's ok, well then you are a bad person. end of the story. if your excuse is "i have an important job interview and i forgot to clip my nails", my answer is "you don't deserve that job, so eff you". plus that noise is just eery.
5) ditto for flossing your teeth.
6) nobody gives a crap about what music you like, damn it! play it to yourself - little tip: if the guy next to you looks like he's about to have a seizure, chances are your music is too friggin' loud
7) feel like stretching out while sitting? well, don't' do it by putting your dirty soles on the pole in front of you. unless you are ready to lick it clean after you're done.
8) if you are a tourist, first of all it might be smart not to travel in a group of 20 or more, but if you can't help it:
sit NEXT to each other, not at opposite corners of the car: people don't like to hear you screaming "heeeeeyyyy!!!! is this oooouurrrr stop?! noooo??? whyyyyy??? the maaaap says soooo!"
9) if you're a banker (or anyone else that likes to pretend finance is cool): the reason why they reduced the WSJ's size is to occupy LESS space and still allow you to read it on the trains: not to allow you to spread it open as if you were at the country club
10) if you can't find a seat and have to stand, hold yourself to the poles, that is what they are there for: doing so instead of texting (seriously!? ever heard of "no service underground"?!) might prevent you from losing balance and falling on people's (ok, my) feet - it is quite painful, you know?
11) do not hit on people - you risk rejection (high possibility), hence pity looks from fellow passengers, and you won't have any way of escaping the situation until the next stop (this especially applies to express trains). in case you don't get rejection but acceptance, well, you already know you're gonna go out with someone as psycho as you, so good luck
12) if you're at one of those stations where the cops stand at a table randomly checking people's bags and you are not a criminal:
get rid of the guilty look aka "let me look around with nonchalance so they won't stop me" look - that look WILL get you stopped and your bag checked, TWICE in 6 months (let me add a quick personal WTF to this)
13) if you are a religious psychopath and want to convert the world:
a) speak current english instead of reading straight out of the bible with a southern accent that nobody understands
b) also, telling people they will burn in hell if they don't listen to you is pretty useless - not sure if you noticed the temperature, but we ARE already burning in hell, dear
c) stop it already with the idiotic "are you stressed" tests: who ISN'T stressed in ny?! uh? WHO!? go talk to tom cruise, instead, he will listen and even suggest new stupid questions to bother people with
14) if you want to play music and get money out of it (ok, this is specifically referred to the peruvian flute players at grand central that i used to deal with every day at 9am):
ENOUGH with the Titanic's soundtrack! every day, at the same time, the same people pass in front of you, and you spontaneously decide to torture them with the same effing melody (is it even a melody?!) until they break down in tears and start foaming from their mouths - I want to cry. Get over it, DiCaprio grew up and is now doing action movies, Winslet married, got kids and divorced, even Celine Dion decided to give it up, for Christ's sake! Have some pity and play some samba.
This is it. For now. My next spaz-moment is only few stops away.